Heart and emotions

My new site: Effortless Fertility

Effortless Fertility logo

I’m very happy to announce my new website and service, Effortless Fertility at EffortlessFertility.com

Because of the way that I work, “receiving fertility treatment” is not burdonsome, painful, intrusive or blaming of either partner. The treatment has no side effects, the “counselling” is all about finding your own peace and wellbeing, and there are no laborious tests or charting required of either partner.

The approaches that I take and my clinical decision-making and guidance are very specific and have come about through my intensive and ongoing study and practice. But for you, it feels effortless – hence the name, Effortless Fertility!

Please visit the new site to listen to the audio recordings, and email me to keep in touch with updates when new recordings, articles and other resources are added.

 

Effortless Fertility logo

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The deep practice of parenting

 

Several hundred years ago, Liu Yuan taught “first cultivate oneself, then go about cultivating others.” In his teaching for the everyday person, Customary Words, he explains why this is the only way it works.

According to the teaching of Sydney Banks, we experience our life from the “inside out”, so our state of mind in the present moment is creating the way we experience those around us.

Here, Dr Laura Markham teaches this essential truth in the practice of parenting – the only way a parent can change their child’s behaviour is to change their own perspective first. Then healing and connection can naturally spread outwards.

 

The following article has been reproduced in full with permission from Dr Laura Markham (see original article here)


 

 

Want To Change Your Child? Start By Regulating Your Own Emotions

“Before I even notice, I’m already 10 steps into reacting with whatever issue is at hand with my kids. When I can remain calm, it certainly helps the situation as opposed to when I get heated up, which only makes things worse. It makes me sad to know that until now, I have not been a good example of emotional regulation at all.  And it’s so disheartening to see my kids doing things that I know they saw us do…..throw something, slam a door….”

Sounds familiar, right?  Regulating our emotions is at the heart of our ability to parent the way we’d like. In fact, it’s at the heart of most of the ways we trip ourselves up, from over-eating to procrastinating to fighting with our partner. It’s just so easy to get hijacked by our emotions and find ourselves already ten steps down the low road.

We often hear that good parents love their children unconditionally, but we all know that no parent always feels loving. So we’re left on our own to figure out how we can restore ourselves to a state of love during the inevitable ups and downs of daily parenting.

This very challenging task — regulating our own emotions so that we can guide our child lovingly rather than indulging in our own tantrum — is fundamental to good parenting.  But it’s not just good for our kids. This inner work also helps us to grow into happier people.

Is it hard? Yes. I think it’s the hardest work any of us will ever do. But it’s completely possible. Here’s the secret.

When you let yourself experience your emotions, they begin to evaporate. So by simply sitting with your upsets — breathing and feeling BUT resisting the urge to act, holding yourself with compassion — you clear out your own unfinished business, whether fear, hurt or grief. Love rushes in.

What about anger?  That’s just a defensive reaction to fear, pain and grief. Once you let yourself feel the more vulnerable emotions under your anger, they’ll evaporate — and so will your anger.

You might even say this process transmutes fear, pain and grief into love, because we’re creating love where there wasn’t love before. Our hearts stretch, and we grow as people, as well as parents.

But what about when your child is misbehaving? Are you supposed to just ignore his bad behavior and go meditate? No, of course not!  Children need parental guidance. But you can’t control or change another person. You can only change yourself, which changes how the other person responds to you. So as you change, your child changes. As we de-excavate our old emotional triggers, we become more effective in guiding our child so that he WANTS to cooperate.

That isn’t just a fancy way of saying that we become willing to tolerate something that we may have yelled about before, although that may be true.  For instance, we may realize that it’s okay for our child to feel angry, and stop reprimanding him for that, even as we teach respectful interaction. Or we may realize that her jacket on the floor isn’t nearly as important as how she treats her sister. Or we may begin to see our child’s strong will as a positive trait, and find better ways to partner with her.  None of these positive responses is possible if we don’t start by managing our own emotions.

But what if your child is stuck in a counter-productive pattern and really does need to change? Your own emotional self-regulation is also the key to helping him.

Here’s why:

1. Children learn emotional regulation from us.  Kids won’t always do what we say, but they will always, eventually, do what we do. If parents indulge in throwing things, slamming doors, and yelling, so will they. If we can stay calm, they learn that it’s not actually an emergency when they get upset, and they learn to calm themselves.

2. The emotional safety we create for our children is exactly what allows them to heal, grow and thrive. Like us, children WANT to feel happy and connected, but sometimes their fear or anger overwhelms them.  Our calm gives them a path back to loving connection. When they feel better, they do better.

3. When we provide a calm “holding environment” for our children, they feel safe enough to experience their emotions, which is what allows those big feelings to evaporate. Kids learn that feelings are just part of being human, and they don’t have to fear them — OR act on them.

4. When children respect us and feel understood by us, they want to follow our lead. They learn that they don’t always get what they want, but they get something better — a parent who understands, even when they say no. So the child becomes more open to our guidance, more likely to follow our rules.

5. Children are sensitive barometers of our moods and tensions. If we have an unresolved issue, we can count on them to subconsciously pick up on it and act out. So very often, when we work on our own issues, we find that our child’s behavior changes–even without our directly addressing it!

6. When we respond differently, so does our child.  Remember, it’s always your child’s action + your response that = the outcome. When we get triggered and react without thinking, we escalate the storm. When we respond more mindfully, we settle the storm, and create more connection. Less drama, more love.

The good news is, even if our children have learned some counter-productive habits, it’s never too late for them to learn to manage themselves emotionally. The key is our role-modeling.

Learning to regulate emotions is a lifelong journey. For today, just start by noticing your own moods and feelings.  When you get upset, resist acting until you’re calm. Just breathe, and shower yourself with compassion, so you can calm down before you act.

Hard? YES! But every time you do this, you’re actually rewiring your brain…and strengthening your ability to stay calmer in the future.

I guarantee you’ll see your child change, too.

 


 

by Dr. Laura Markham, founder of AhaParenting.com and author of
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life

 

 

 

 

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Finding the extraordinary within the ordinary

 

See article “in-shine” for introduction to Liu Yuan

 

Dr Seidman, founder of Hunyuan Research Institute, has released the first in a series of translations of Liu Yuan’s teachings on the heart method and heaven nature.

Su Yan (Customary Words) is a teaching for the everyday person. Liu Yuan teaches through examples that are familar to people in their daily lives – relationships with parents, studying, loyalty to leadership, raising well-adjusted children and so on. These are issues that we all encounter and, by finding the proper measure in each situation in our daily life, we discover the path to becoming fully human – engaged, connected, committed and supported by the deeper principle – “heaven nature”.

While loyalty to the monarch may have been relevant to the common person several hundred years ago, nowadays we can apply this same principle to our relationship with any authority figures to help us to tune in to the deeper principle and ask ourselves what is the most beneficial action. Other examples in this book are more timeless in nature – how to maintain the right relationship with our parents, children, siblings and peers so that the “kind heart of heaven nature” flows through and supports our daily activities and nutures those around us, including ourselves.

With commentary by Dr Seidman to help the modern reader make the most of the text, this text is a treasure to read and re-read, to contemplate and discover.

E-book available from Gumroad: https://gumroad.com/l/cwords#

Su Yan

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Online course – The deeper principle of birthing

Hunyuan Birth Series

For mothers – live, online classes

 

Join Tristin McLaren – Licensed Acupuncturist, Childbirth Educator and Certified Hunyuan Practitioner – for a unique insight into the deeper principles of life, conception, unification/separation and spirit connection, and how this understanding can greatly enhance the birthing experience.

 

Offered as three two-hour classes or a single six-hour intensive, these classes will bring you into a deeper contemplation of life and birthing, helping you to move and act from a place of inner confidence.

 

For bookings and enquiries please head to the Bird and Bee site: http://www.birdandbeeacupuncture.com/childbirth-education.html

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The new year – Southern hemisphere style

 

The Northern hemisphere new year is in the middle of darkness, stillness and cold – candles are lit, warm food and drinks are taken, and from this introspective setting, people can imagine the emerging of new beginnings in spring.

In Australia? Long warm days, markets bursting with seasonal fruit, social gatherings that linger into the evenings, summer holidays of unwinding and restoring energy, celebrating the good life.

Whereas new year in the Northern hemisphere is about dreaming the new beginnings of things, or starting over, in the South it is more about seeing what we have and appreciating it, being grateful for the bountiful harvest.

With gratitude, our hearts naturally desire less. Being grateful for all that we have, we can resolve to cherish our good fortune. With fewer desires and full hearts, we can see just the right move that comes next – and resolve to do that one simple thing.

 

kiwi

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in-shine

 

 

We are taught to always aim to out-shine others – rated and ranked and praised and awarded throughout childhood and schooling, and into the workplace – getting ahead and rising to the top, keeping up with the Joneses and all the rest. And if we can’t outshine then we are left in the shadows.

Think about it, this naturally leads to a feeling of isolation for anyone playing by such rules.

Human happiness is based on connection and trust.

Does it make sense to try to out-shine?

We can turn this around – and aim to “in-shine”. All of us are formed from the same “heaven principle”. Within each person, completely intact and unable to be harmed, is innate wisdom and universal love – connection is something we can never lose, only lose sight of.

When we change our story about the outside world, that it’s something to fear or conquer, and start to appreciate the natural goodness within ourselves and within others, then the world becomes our garden. Weeding and watering, tending and caring, it is a bountiful place for us all to enjoy.

Liu Yuan, philosopher and physician of the Qing dynasty, taught that the universe’s nature is heaven principle, expressing as both stillness and movement. When combined, all things are formed by this dual nature – stillness is the appearance of form and movement is form’s changing nature. Living things have movement, but even non-living things like rocks will change with time. But even though it has this dual expression, heaven principle itself is one – constant, unchanging.

This heaven principle is at the centre of life and when we experience it, it feels vast and gentle, it is kindness, warmth and generosity. Liu Yuan says, “the kind heart of heaven principle”. Upon conception, we are this pure heaven principle of the universe – pure stillness and pure movement – this is the “true nature” of the human being. Liu Yuan taught that by engaging in daily affairs with the proper measure, we can get closer to this “true nature” that is the basis of human life.

What is the proper measure?

Upon birth, we need to connect to material things like food, water, air and other humans, so that our life in the world is supported. To move us towards material things we have the human heart, with desires and aversions, likes and dislikes. If we take steps to support our life, this is proper – enough food, shelter, sleep and so on. Relationships are also essential to human life. If we respect and care for those around us, especially those closest to us, then this is the proper measure in human relationships. When everyone can respect and care for others, this is a world that functions abundantly well.

However, the only person’s respect and care that we can control is our own. So this is where we look within and ask ourselves in each moment, am I doing my best here to act with respect and care. When we can do it, we notice that this allows goodness in others to naturally take place – the heaven principle within each person fostering goodness in the world. Liu Yuan’s expression for this is “first cultivate oneself, then go about cultivating others”. “Cultivating others”, then, is tending the garden of the world.

Sydney Banks teaches something similar, that the formless principle, basis of all things, is universal – this aspect of human reality he called “mind”. Our capacity to experience this is called “consciousness”. What we experience is called “thought”. Our human reality is one principle with these three aspects – everything that is experienced is done so through mind, consciousness and thought.

Feeling is the way that we can understand what quality of thought we are experiencing in any given moment. If I’m feeling at peace, expansive, generous and loving then this is the universal nature of mind – wisdom – creating my experience. If I’m feeling tense, judgemental, bitter, agitated or any other low state then this is an infallible indicator that I’m caught in a personal reaction, personal thinking about the situation.

Good states and not-so-good states move through us all the time, like the weather. If I hold onto a low state and try to “fix” it, or react to things from that low state, then mostly what will happen is I’ll just prolong it, causing more obstructions. On the other hand if I can accept that there’s a low state moving through, a “low pressure cell”, then of its own accord it will eventually pass.

Without noticing it, in the next moment I may feel a little lighter, or even have a moment of clarity – this is the power of wisdom. It is always operating, at a level deeper than the ups and downs. By letting personal thinking just go up and down, because that’s what it’s going to do anyway, and realising that we all have moments of insight where our innate wisdom shows up, naturally and spontaneously, then we can take our moods – and our judgements of the world through those moods – a little less seriously. When we can do this, wisdom has a greater chance to show up.

This universal wisdom is the very core of our nature, every one of us. When we relax our reactions and judgements, then it can shine – like the sun that’s always there, behind the clouds that come and go.

“Out-shining” others means being separate and distant, failing to “out-shine” means being in shadow. “In-shining” with others means seeking this true nature that is within, acknowledging that it’s within everyone. If I can experience my own wisdom then I have compassion for everyone else who is struggling with their personal thinking too. From this compassion naturally comes respect. Understanding how fallible we all are, the natural response is to care.

In the words of Liu Yuan, first cultivate oneself and then help to cultivate others. In-shining, valuing the wisdom within, we see it in others, and it grows. Water and sunshine, weeding and caring, we all tend the garden of life together.

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Earthing – free, feel-good medicine

 

Being grounded

What do you think of when you hear someone described as being “grounded“? What is that person like?

When you’re feeling grounded, how does it feel?

We would probably answer with something like – feeling calm, able to face difficulties without being overly swayed, having clarity

We can also talk about being “down to earth“. This quality embodies openness, warmth, honesty, integrity – maybe also an “earthy” sense of humour.

 

Feeling good

These traits feel good, and people who have these traits are good to be around. While some of them may be traits that are moulded into our character through our life experiences, you may not realise that we can take these phrases really literally, and enjoy some of these feelings immediately.

 

A simple practice…

Earthing” refers to the very simple practice of making direct physical contact with the Earth. Walking barefoot on the beach, going for a barefoot run in the park, reading a book with our feet on the grass…

Being in contact with the Earth is how we are made to be. Being insulated from the Earth – by shoes, cars, floors, bitumen, concrete – separates us from an incredibly important source of nourishment.

The Earth is a massive generator of free electrons with a negative charge. These electrons are continuously flowing out of the Earth and, when we make direct contact with it, through us as well.

 

Why are electrons important?

When our body generates energy, a by-product of this generation is electrically-charged particles called free radicals. Free radicals want to bind to something quickly in order to neutralise their electrical charge.

If our body is flowing with electrons from the Earth, then there is a beautiful abundance of free available electrons to bind with all the free radicals that we create.

Without an abundant supply of available electrons, free radicals will bind to particles that are actually already engaged in an important task. Their task? Being part of our body! Creating us! The free radicals can bind to particles that are actually making our tissues, cells, DNA etc. This disrupts the harmony of how our form is being created moment to moment and can lead to problems, for example as seen through the process of imflammation. Inflammation is the unifying feature of a huge array of the ailments and illnesses of our modern way of life.

 

Nature’s free, feel-good, always-available medicine

So there’s really no need to invest in expensive antioxidant supplements if we can spend more time in contact with the Earth. The beautiful side effect of taking our “Vitamin G” – for Ground – is that we actually do feel more calm, centred, clear and joyful after a session of going barefoot. Try it for 30 mintutes and see for yourself!

If you have pain such as fibromyalgia, arthritis, endometriosis or tension headaches then try a session of Earthing every day for a week and see how you feel at the end of it. Many people experience dramatic reduction in pain levels.

 

Earthing indoors

If you’d like to Earth yourself during sleep or at your desk, there are products available that connect to the Earth part of your power outlets to help reduce static charge in your body and, more importantly, supply you with a wonderful influx of “Earth energy”.

See www.earthing.com or www.grounded.com

(I don’t receive affiliate payments for any product or service that I recommend)

 

More information

Find out how the Earthing idea started and some of its applications at the above sites with the e-book or audiobook Earthing: The Most Important Health Discovery Ever

 

Nothing to lose!

The beautiful thing about Earthing is that there’s nothing to lose, and potentially lots to gain. A barefoot beach walk? Good medicine!

 

Earthing benefits

 

 

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Hunyuan e-books now available

 

 

Hunyuan books are now available in e-book format at deep discount for a limited time. Prices shown are in US dollars.

https://gumroad.com/yaronseidman

 

For Chinese medicine practitioners

Translations of rare and pivotal articles and books showing the shaping of modern TCM in the 20th century:
Chinese Medicine Liberation: Inner Documents $49.95 (retail $189.95)

 

For health practitioners of all modalities

An exploration of “The Heart of Medicine”, the deep practice of working from Centre:
Hunyuan Xinfa: Special Edition $49.95 (retail $170)
Hunyuan Xinfa: Physician Edition $29.95 (retail $120)
Hunyuan Xinfa Ledger $4.95 (retail $24.95)

 

For everyone, including health practitioners

Going deep to examine the root of life and, therefore, creation of new life:
Hunyuan Fertility: Conception, Babies and Miracles $4.95 (retail $19.95)

 

Hunyuan e-books

 

To order your e-book, visit

https://gumroad.com/yaronseidman

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Meditation for natural fertility, IVF and pregnancy

 

Head to the Be Fertile website for meditations to support you on your baby-making journey.

CDs or downloads are available to purchase and there are sample free meditations too.

 

We’ve received a lot of positive feedback from women who’ve found these tracks very supportive and nurturing throughout the stress of conceiving and the anxiety of early pregnancy.

 

BeFertile CD

 

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Pregnancy meditation and mindfulness: free app

 

Visit Mind the Bump for a comprehensive free app to support you and your partner from day 1 of pregnancy all the way through the first 24 months after birth.

 

With information about mindfulness, child development and mindful parenting, as well as many guided meditations on various themes such as acceptance and connecting with the baby, this is a wonderful resource for all expectant parents.

 

Mind the Bump

 

http://www.mindthebump.org.au/

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